I Am A Bibliophile

Reading since 1991.

2 notes

Everyday I learn something new about the people around me. Often times it’s something nice, something happy. Other times it’s something way unexpected. I don’t judge though. To each their own. Just because I would not condone doing something myself, does not mean I would judge other for participating in those activities.

Sometimes though, I need space from these people. I learn from them, about them and I cannot process the info properly. They come at me with stories and concerns and memories and more often than not, I listen. There are times when I’m distracted and don’t.

But I learn everyone, but I don’t want to reach a point when I know every single detail about a person and they become painfully predictable. That would be the worst, I think.

That is why I do not let people know much about me. Lately more about my past and history has been coming out, and I’m okay with that. But what I’ve disclosed to the select few is only the tip of the iceberg. No one will ever know the true and 100% me. No one.

I doubt there will be anyone who would want to know anyway.

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"I’m having a shit day."
“Can I come over to talk about it?”
“This week has been the worst.”
“I’m so stressed.”
“Tell me what to do!”

Problems. Problems. Problems. Everyone around me has been having the worst time and they all come to me to talk about it. I’m okay with listening. I really am. I’m a level 10 listener, but sometimes it’s just nice to have someone ask how you’re doing. I’m genuinely surprised/flattered when someone (anyone!) asks how I’m doing. It feels good to care about others.

I always try to ask others how they are. I greet with a “Hey!” followed by a, “so how was your day?” or “how are you?” It’s nice to ask, to hear what other people have to say.

I also have a hard time getting my feelings out there though. If I’m not asked or prompted, there is no way I’m going to jump into a conversation about my feelings or stresses or anything. I hate feeling like I’m burdening someone with my petty woes.

I don’t know exactly why I feel this way. It might have been my parents maybe. I’m not sure. There wasn’t much communication there or the feeling that I was okay to say whatever I wanted to. As I’ve gotten older, my father has opened up to me and feels comfortable talking to me about his problems, but not for me. Also I can never get my two cents in with my mother even if I tried. And I’ve tried!

I just hate that everyone is feeling shitty lately. I hate seeing my friends so divided and I hate feeling distanced from some of them.

I don’t know what to do and I hate that I feel like I’m responsible for repairing the damages.

I’m also just as stressed and worried and freaked out and sad as everyone but they’ll never know. I’m not sure I want them to know. They have enough problems.

33,990 notes

I have lived a thousand lives and I’ve loved a thousand loves. I’ve walked on distant worlds and seen the end of time. Because I read.
                                                        — George R.R. Martin 

(Source: ioffreybaratheon, via read-books-drink-tea)

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These people underestimate my ability to avoid things. Right now, I’m doing a fantastic job.

I’ve lost faith in my friend. The last time I talked to him, he was standing in a girl’s room and telling us to trust him, that he would take care of her and not let anything happen to her. She had gotten a bit sick and was not sober in the least bit. And I trusted him. I put all my trust in him and it failed me. When we got back, he opened the door in his underwear and she was topless in the bathroom.

Nothing happened. He assured another friend.

But I can’t help but feel like the most horrible friend. I left him there when I shouldn’t have. But I didn’t know any better because I had never been in a situation like that and because I trusted him.

I’ve seen him twice and I get this constricting feeling in my chest, my body grows cold and my legs start to shake. I can’t face him.

But I know I have to. I also don’t want to lose his friendship either. I considered him one of my best friends. I hate hate hate that things have changed between us.

And all because some stupid girl.

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I feel like shit, like absolute shit.

I woke up with the worst migraine, I can’t stop shaking, I feel like puking, I can’t even remember the last time I ate, I feel weak, and just sick to my stomach.

And all because of a string of events that happened last night.

It wasn’t supposed to happen like that. It was my best friend’s birthday. He was supposed to have a great time with friends and instead he may or may not have done something he’ll soon regret. Oh my god, I can’t stop shaking.

And I feel like the worst friend. I don’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I need a hug, and to cry some more, and to disappear. And I called my mother to talk about it, but all she’s doing is talking about her worries and struggles and they surpass mine entirely. I don’t even want to bother her with my stupid problems.

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Even when I cry, I just want you to hold me. No matter how many times I say it won’t be okay, I just want you to tell me that it will be.