Posts tagged writing
Posts tagged writing
The night was cool and inviting as I sat outside my front door. It was late, but I wasn’t the only one awake. I could hear my suite mate busy working on art projects. Her brushes would hit the floor and glass would clink against why I assumed was her easel. She was definitely an eclectic one. I hardly spoke to her; she hardly spoke to anyone.
Meanwhile I sat outside with my lit book. I preferred reading outside, I always did. The problem with me was I always got distracted. I stared at the courtyards shadows twist and dance in the moonlit when I heard steps approaching.
It was Oliver, my neighbor’s neighbor. He was a friend, we hung out often. So often that I developed an impossible crush on him. I say impossible because I know it’ll never happen. And that was because of me. I wouldn’t let it happen because I was scared and terribly shy. He was all I wanted and more. He was quiet, mysterious, cultured, smart, sarcastic, and most importantly, he made me laugh.
He walked up, surprised that I was sitting outside at this time. I greeted him, but that was all. I wasn’t sure why he was walking down my corridor. He had his leather beanie on and his keys in hand. He never walked down this way just for fun. I hadn’t called him nor had he called to hang out. Was he looking for me? Had he seen me sitting out here and wanted to keep me company? No, I thought to myself, he looked surprised that he saw me out here. My stomach jumped and shot out with excitement at the possibility that I was on his mind.
He sat by me on the ground. He asked me how I was and how school was going for me. He was making small talk and I didn’t like it one bit. He never spoke to me like this. My heart started to sink. I was confused and started to feel myself getting physically awkward.
"So," he finally said, "how’s your suite mate doing?" I looked at him quizzically, "What?" Never had he inquired about Samantha. She’d never come up, never.
He stared at me, obviously waiting for a response. I finally shrugged, and told him I didn’t know on account of I never really talked to her. “You want to know a secret,” he finally said, a hint of the smile I loved so much becoming evident on his lips.
"What’s that," I ask, and look down at my book. I had no idea what was coming next. My palms felt sweaty and shaky and I didn’t trust myself to continue talking. I was afraid my voice would crack. I stared straight down, but could imagine him perfectly in my head. His jacket collar doing that weird flip. The collar I had fixed for him a million times. His hair rustling in the wind, but still looking perfect. His brown eyes (that he thought were ordinary), but I could drown in them.
"I’m kind of into your suite mate," he whispered. I could physically hear my heart breaking into a million pieces. Heartbreak was reeling through my being, but I smiled and looked surprised.
"Really," I asked enthusiastically, "I never would have thought." The false joy was taking all my energy out of me. I realized I was gripping my book and loosen my grip.
He told me how she had been down at the lobby one day and they talked for a few minutes and that he felt like they really hit it off. I didn’t talk to her, but I knew she yelled at someone over the phone almost nightly. I knew she kept her apartment a mess. I knew she hated my cat and sometimes I even thought she hated me. But I didn’t know her all that well, so who was I to say anything about her?
"Good luck," I whispered, as he stood up from where he sat and made his way to her door. He sentimentally stroked the top my head as he passed me, "thanks."
I listened, because I couldn’t bring myself to watch, as he knocked on her door and she let him in. I also listened as my emotions all crashed into themselves and made a mess inside me.
It was late, but I got up and walked away. I walked towards my friend Joli’s aparment. I knew she’d be asleep, but it was somewhere to walk. I didn’t want to be there, I couldn’t.
If Joli were awake and I told her all that had happened, I knew she’d say it was my fault. My fault for never telling him how I feel about him. My fault for never being brave enough go admit I had feeling for anyone.
But I guess I had to stop kidding myself and stop the thought that someone could possibly be attracted to me. That would never happen. It didn’t matter if my friends thought I was funny and cute and quirky. Those attributes weren’t enough. I also had to be somewhat pretty.
"I’m right here, Oliver," I thought, wiping away my tears, "I’m right here and you can’t even see that."
My friend has been having the hardest time lately with her schoolwork and her entry review for the art program and all I want to do is make her something to cheer her up. I’m not sure what yet.
I’ve come to realize that I have made some good friends here at school and where I live. I may not like them all the time, but they’re there for me when I need them and they do notice when I’m having a bad day even when I’m trying my hardest to hide it. And I appreciate the hell out of them.
Boys are stupid and oblivious to the fact that I like them. But that may just be my fault for not being able to flirt/react like a normal human being. I’m 22 and will probably never find the right person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. There is something about people that I just don’t understand. I say I want someone who isn’t completely like me, in ways of thinking I mean, but I can’t fathom how people cannot think like me. If that makes any sense.
A friend of mine showed me a book he purchased and it sparked something in me. I guess I was inspired by the book and how it’s format was unlike anything I’ve ever encountered in a book.
I’ve been sick, well sicker than usual and I can’t get over whatever I have. I haven’t been the our campus’ clinic because they tell you nothing help there. I visited a few weeks ago for my chronic migraines and the doctor told me to visit WebMD. I’m being 100% serious when I say this. I’ll probably never go there again. I might as well get used to being sick because I can’t even remember the last time I felt 100% healthy and okay. I’m just a sickly excuse of an adult.
And that has been a recap of my stupid life these past few days.
This weekend has just proven to be a roller coaster of emotions. I didn’t plan for it to end up like this. I hadn’t planned for any of this.
My friend who graduated in the summer came for the weekend and brought with her stress and problems I did not want.
My best friend who I’ve been in love with for the past year told his girlfriend of six months that he loves her.
My sister thinks I’m a whore because I have crush on my best friend
My dog died a few days ago. He was buried in his favorite barking spot.
My ex-boyfriend keeps texting me how much fun he’s having with his girlfriend.
Can this weekend be over? Can this life be over?
I don’t relate to people younger than me. I don’t relate to people my age. I don’t relate to people older than me.
I don’t relate to anyone.
Maybe I don’t want to.
What am I going to tell people? What am I going to tell them when they find out I’m not good at anything and am only pretending to belong in college?
- Expectations -
Me: Hey, so I’ve been meaning to talk to you since August and I haven’t because I’ve been scared. I just need some closure and need to let this out so please let me finish. I know you told me you liked me in the summer and I told you that maybe I liked you too. You stopped talking to me for whatever reason and it hurt, it really hurt. I’m obviously over it now, it’s just so awkward when I see you around and need to tell you all this so it won’t be so awkward. I know they reason you told me you liked me was because you thought I liked you and you felt obligated to act on those assumptions. You led me on and you’re aware of that. You led me on and I kind of hate you for that. I didn’t like you in that way before you told me and passionately kissed me on that summer night. To be honest, I could not stop thinking about you or that kiss for days. You’re all I thought about when I was home. To return and be greeted by your indifference hurt a lot. It made me feel guilty and stupid and made my self esteem stoop even lower than what it already was. You avoided where we hung out, where was ate, everywhere. I never cried for you, so there’s that. What you told me before you told me you liked me was, “I don’t want things to be weird and awkward between us.” Well congratulations, you made them that way yourself. I don’t want things to go back to normal after this. They can’t. In that month, I learned about you and more about myself. I don’t know what game you were playing, but I respected you and never thought it would end up like this. I did nothing wrong. I denied you intimacy because I had the right to do so. It was two days after you told me you liked me and you were ready to go. That I didn’t like. I felt used. I probably was. It doesn’t matter at all at this point. It’s over. I hope you’re happy with whoever you are with now. And I sincerely hope you’re not playing with them as well. That’s all I wanted to say. I wish you well and all that jazz.
- Reality -
Today I was invited out and this time I actually accepted. I realized what the difference was between this night and that other night I wrote about a few posts back (besides the fact that I’m just an overall grumpy and bitter person), it was the people. The people I went out with today were older and I’ve known longer. The people I was complaining about the other night are younger and have different mentality. When I’m out with these friends, it’s fun. We’re laid back and genuinely have fun.
I did have fun tonight. I wish it was always only those people who would go, but I know that’s not going to happen.
Also, two things happened tonight that I’m going to overanalyze and think about for the next month probably.
Before we headed out, I was talking to a guy. I have the biggest crush on him. (He’s the one I wrote Day Three’s letter for.) We were talking about I don’t remember what and I was teasing him about something, then he says, “you’re like the sister I never wanted.” I don’t know how I feel about that. Actually, I do know how it makes me feel, it makes me feel shitty. I don’t want that, I don’t want him to see me as a sister.
The second thing that happened was while I was out with my friends. One of my guy friends who was kind of drunk, puts his arm around me(we were sitting in a booth) and tells me that I’m “the most unique, the most creative, the most awesome girl around. Any guy would be lucky to have me.” This came out of nowhere. Then he explained why he teased me so much (it’s because I always tease him) and how cool I am and how he’s so glad we’re friends. I said thank you and that I was really glad we were friends too. I don’t know, I just really appreciated it. I don’t know how much I believe mostly because he was drunk, but it was still really nice. No one has ever told me something like that before. It kind of made up for the sister comment.
Although I had a major headache all day and woke up cranky as hell, I had a really good day. The people who surround you really make the difference.
Tonight I did not understand myself one bit.
Everyone was going out/making plans/having a movie night here where I live. I wanted nothing to do with any of it. I did not see the appeal to hang out and socialize with anything of these people.
But at the same time I wanted to do something. I felt restless. I wanted to get in my car and have an adventure that didn’t have to do with: hooking up with someone, alcohol, gossip/drama, judgment, or drugs/smoking.
All of the above are all the rage with the people here. But who can blame them? They’re young and in college and away from parents…
I wanted something but couldn’t bring myself to admit it. If that makes any sense. I don’t like spontaneity, I like to be in control of things and know what’s happening at all times.
I don’t know what I wanted. I don’t know who I wanted it with.
I just don’t understand.
Dear mom and dad,
I’ve asked you before how you had imagined me at twenty-two and I know you said just how I am now, and that you’ll love me regardless, but I know that’s not true.
I’m sorry. I really am.
I’ll try to make things better. I’ll make you proud somehow.
All that I need in my life.